[BenQuick.com/.co.uk]

Granted, computer terminology is frequently complicated and misleading. But shouldn't people know what they own?

• Customer: "I have a 464 with 8K."

• Customer: "I have a 386 Pentium."

• Customer: "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Tech Support: "What type of systems do you have?"
• Customer: "I have four. A Pentium 200, a Pentium 66, a Pentium 33, and a laptop."
• Tech Support: "I don't think Intel ever made a Pentium 33."
• Customer: "It's a 486 Pentium."
• Tech Support: "Um, did you mean to say 486SX or 486DX?"
• Customer: "It's a 486DX Pentium."

• Tech Support: "How fast is your modem?"
• Customer: "I don't know, it's got a Pentium chip in it."

• Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
• Customer: "Pentium."

• Customer: "I want to buy a mainframe."
• Me: (playing along with the "joke") "I think I have a couple of them out back."
• Customer: "Good. I need a mainframe because I want to learn how to program in COBOL. I'd prefer a Pentium mainframe, if you have one of those."

• Tech Support: "Ok, when the machine reboots, hit the 'del' key a few times. You should see a blue screen."
• Customer: "Ok, it tells me that I am in the Cosmos setup."

• Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."

• Customer: "I have a teer to teer network."

• Customer: "I'm in 386 enchanted mode."

• Customer: "It's a problem with Tcipx/ipspx."

• Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Dear Creater of this good game,
I like your game and I wish I could play it more but I can't.
I could play it just fine the very first times I tried. But now I cant
cause I put in a name and password it loads like for 5 minutes then a
BRRIINNNK noise pops my speakers and a word thing popped up and said
something wierd like Operation Collapsed or something like that. Please
write me back!!!

• Tech Support: "What version of Eudora are you using?"
• Customer: "Navigator 3.0."

• Tech Support: "What type of computer do you own?"
• Customer: "I don't know. I just bought it."

• Tech Support: "What kind of Mac do you have?"
• Customer: "It's the kind that sits on my desk...not one of the newer ones."

• Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?"
• Customer: "Oh, it's a 486."
• Tech Support: "No, that's the kind of computer you have. Ok, how much memory do you have?"
• Customer: "It's supposed to have one gigabyte."

• Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."

• Tech Support: "Ok, in the lower left-hand corner of File Manager, what does it have for 'Free'?"
• Customer: "10,578 kegabytes."

• Customer: "Please put 60 nanoseconds of RAM in this computer."

• Friend: "Hey! This one has 300 MHz of RAM!!"

• Her: "Hey, are you interested in buying that? It's a full computer, still works. It's got a color modem and everything."

• Her: "I asked my boyfriend about it. He knows about computers, and he said it sounds like it might need a new sea monster battery."

It took me a while to figure out what she meant.

While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS-DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two."

• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
• Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "Go to File and select Exit Windows. Click on 'OK'. What do you have on your screen now?"
• Customer: "Windows. I clicked on 'Cancel' because it said it would injure my Windows session."

• Customer: "Eudora keeps giving me the error 'connection confused'."

• Customer: "My DOS system got corroded."

• Student: "Hey, how do I lodge in to Hotmail?"
• Me: "You've got to type in your username and password in those fields that say 'username' and 'password'."
• Student: "I don't have one of those."
• Me: "You need one to log in to Hotmail."
• Student: "It's 'LODGE' in."
• Me: "The term is 'log in,' and you can't log in without a username and password. I can help you create one if you'd like."
• Student: "Um, excuse me, but I THINK I know what I'm talking about. It's LODGE in, and I don't want a username and password, I just want to get some email!"

I just went back to working after that, and he left complaining about how "crappy" the computers in the lab were, after trying to "lodge in" for ten more minutes. My mother owns a child care center which is situated in our very own home. One of the mothers of the children she cares for wanted to ask me a computer related question. She started telling me about how she was installing childrens' software for her kids and how one program required another program to be installed. She said the program was called "640 times 480 times 256." She went on to tell me that she looked for the program, eventually found it (I have no idea where she might have thought she found it), but couldn't install it. My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers.

He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole."

I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realised he was talking about the mouse. One day I asked if my Mom could shut down my computer. I told her to press "the big gray switch on the computer." After some time, I phoned her and asked if she shut the machine down, but she replied, saying there wasn't any big gray switch on the keyboard.

• Me: "No, Mom, not on the keyboard; it's on the computer."
• My Mother: "Computer?"
• Me: "Yes, that gray box on the floor."
• My Mother: "Ah, the engine!"
• Me: "Engine?"
• My Mother: "Yes, it's making lots of noise."

The next morning, I got a call from the teacher, saying that the computer wouldn't turn on. Perplexed, I paid another visit. I sat down at the desk and looked at each component: the scanner was on, the monitor was on, the speakers were powered up, but the screen was blank. I looked under the desk, and, sure enough, none of the lights on the face of the computer were lit. I reached down, pushed the main power button, and the computer immediately came to life and booted up normally.

• Me: "Why didn't you try that?"
• Customer: "The light on the brain was on...."

She was pointing to the speakers. As the local computer enthusiast, I sometimes get called on to troubleshoot computer problems. A while back, my boss asked me to help her figure out what was going on with her computer, complaining that her "rat" (mouse) was not responding. She surmised that it was a problem with the "ropes" (cables) behind the computer. I had a friend who was ready for a memory upgrade on his Mac notebook, and he wanted to know how much "megaram" he needed.

• Customer: "How do I use my High Megabit memory?"

• Customer: "This DOS program says I have insignificant memory."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
• Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
• Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
• Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key."
• Customer: "Oh."

• Customer: "I have 384,000 free contentious memory."

• Customer: "I have a terminant swap file."

• Customer: "I have a terminal swap file."

• Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system."

• Customer: "I lost my blue cyanide color."

• Customer: "I have a cursing flasher."

• Customer: "It says one copy filed."

• Customer: "I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file."

• Customer: "I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy."

• Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer"
• Tech Support: "What kind of error?"
• Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'."
• Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly."
• Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work."
• Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some."

• "That was some cool RAM in there. Pentium makes the best RAM, not like that cheap RAM other places got!"

She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg."

"The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg."

• Customer: "Well...we have the CD, but we can't find the ROM!"

After some inquiry, I finally understood what she perceived the "ROM" part of "CD-ROM" to be: the picture. She said a specific multimedia CD was not displaying the ROM. I corrected her mistaken impression, to which she said, quote, "Huh." I walked her through the problem, and when it was fixed, she exclaimed loudly, "We found the ROM! WE FOUND THE ROM!!!!" I was supporting a group of very illiterate computer users on one specific application they needed to run in batch mode daily. One day one of the ladies couldn't find the icon on the Windows 3.1 Program Manager screen to launch the process. I asked her to read to me what was in each of the the title bars in the sub-windows. At one point she blurted out 'Microscopic Applications' instead of 'Microsoft Applications.' It took all the restraint I had to not reply, "Well, there's your problem. Your applications are too small." I needed to wipe someone's hard drive and re-install Windows, so I asked her what she had on her system that wasn't backed up.

• Customer: "I have some data files for Mississippi Works saved."

• Customer: "I have Microword Soft."

• Customer: "Microwave Windows?"

• Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"

• Customer: "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."

• "This site best viewed in Netscape Explorer."

• Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

• Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."

• Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."

• Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."

• Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."

• Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."

• Friend: "I was using AOL, but now my ISP is Netscape."

This was back before Netscape actually became an ISP.

Overheard at a library:

• "Yeah, surfing the Internet is really cool. You do it with this thing called Netscape -- what's the technical term for that, a program? Oh, no, an icon, that's right. Netscape's an icon!"

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
• Customer: "Netscape."
• Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
• Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "What operating system are you running sir?"
• Customer: "Word."
• Tech Support: "I think you mean windows, sir."
• Customer: "Oh yeah, WordWindows. It's very popular."

• Customer: "I need to print out my letter here."
• Me: "Ok, what program did you use to create it?"
• Customer: "Macintosh!"
• Me: "No, what actual program did you use. Was it MacWrite? Claris?"
• Customer: "Microsoft."
• Me: "OK, you used Microsoft Word. We have that here, so go ahead and sit down at one of these Macs."
• Customer: "It wasn't Microsoft Word. It was Windows!"
• Me: "I need to know what kind of computer you used. Was it a Macintosh or an IBM?"
• Customer: "I don't think it was an IBM."
• Me: "It could be an IBM compatible. Do you remember anything about what kind of computer it was?"
• Customer: "Microsoft!"
• Me: "Did the computer have a little apple on the front of it?"
• Customer: "I think so."
• Me: (What I should have done five minutes ago...) "Give me the disk, and I'll put it in my computer and check it out."

• Customer: "Does this come with Microsoft?"
• Tech Support: "Um, well, we install Microsoft Windows on all our systems, unless you say otherwise."
• Customer: "Oh, no, no, I need Microsoft to do my letters and stuff."
• Tech Support: "Well what do you use to write your letters?"
• Customer: "Microsoft!"
• Tech Support: "Ok, but do you use Word?"
• Customer: "Yes, I use Word at work."
• Tech Support: "Ok, so you'll need the Office Suite then, too."
• Customer: "But doesn't this computer come with Microsoft?"
• Tech Support: "Well, yes, it comes with Windows 95 installed."
• Customer: "Oh. Can I type my letters with that?"
• Tech Support: "Yesss...but you need a word processor installed, like Word or WordPerfect. Our systems come with the Corel suite, but we can use Microsoft Office instead if you like. It just costs more."
• Customer: (thoughtfully) "WordPerfect sounds familiar."

• Customer: "Is Corel WordPerfect IBM?"

• Student: "I typed this document I wrote at home, but it won't load in here."
• Tech Support: "Ok, what word processing software did you use at home?"
• Student: "I have Windows, version 6."
• Tech Support: "Um, no, I mean, what is the name of the actual program you go into to write documents?"
• Student: "Windows."
• Tech Support: "Well, not quite, that's the operating system. Maybe it's WordPerfect, or it could be Microsoft Word, does that sound familiar?"
• Student: "Ah yeah! That's it! It's Microsoft Windows."

I turn the monitor towards him and fire up WordPerfect.

• Tech Support: "When you start it, do you see a picture like this, of a fountain pen?"
• Student: "That's the one. Except you have Windows version 7 there, eh? I only have Windows version 6."

• My Dad: "Ok, so I go into the Microsoft..."

It usually takes two or three guesses to determine which Microsoft application he's in. A few years ago I saw an advertisement that said:

"Required: Office Assistant: Must be familiar with Lotus One, Two, and Three."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
• Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Customer: "Will this run on a Dell?"
• Salesperson: "Um, I'm not sure, sir. What kind of processor does it have?"
• Customer: "Um...uh.... It's a Dell."

• Tech Support: "What kind of hard disk do you have?"
• Customer: "Well...it's black with a little red light...."

• Customer: "Hi, I need to buy a box of hard disks."

• A Friend: "Wow! That disk is pretty defragged."

During a public television auction fundraiser here in Kansas City, they had the hostess of a local morning program reading off the product descriptions. One was for a software package. To make sure potential bidders could use it, she read off the system requirements and told us that the software came on five "dash-one-slash" four-inch diskettes. I asked this guy to read whatever was on the screen, and he kept calling the asterisk an "Afterfisk." When asking questions about setting up a new account online, the caller asked me if she had to put an 'astronaut' (asterisk) in front of the customer name.

• Tech Support: "Is there an asterisk to the left of the discount field?"
• Customer: "Nope, just a 'squishy bug'." (her name for an asterisk)

• Tech Support: "Do you have any extensions on?"
• Customer: "I have a surge protector."

The next day, she proudly announced to everyone in the office that the reason the printer goes crazy is because it's printing "unmentionable" characters. I'm an employee of a major computer retail store. Recently I saw a woman wandering around, looking confused. I asked her if I could help.

• Customer: "Yes, I'm trying to compare these computers to see which one is better."
• Me: "What are you looking for in a computer?"

She looked at me disdainfully, as if I was the world's dumbest idiot for having to ask.

• Customer: "I need a computer with both megabytes and gigabytes."

• Tech Support: "How much memory is in the computer?"
• Customer: "Eight megadrives."

• Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?"
• Customer: "It's a 56 killer beet modem. Or killer beep?"

• Customer: "I have a 33 kilowatt modem."

• Customer: "I'm going to install Windows 75 as soon as you guys send it to me."

• Customer: "I've been using Windows 94 at work."

• Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have?"
• Customer: "Windows 94."
• Tech Support: "I presume you mean Windows 95?"
• Customer: "Of course not. I've got the version that came out first."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
• Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Customer: "I'm on Windows 96."
• Tech Support: "I'm sorry, do you mean Windows 95?"
• Customer: "No, I'm on Windows 96."
• Tech Support: "I'm sorry sir, but there is no such thing as Windows 96. You must be using Windows 95."
• Customer: "Look, I bought this computer in 1996, so I know it has Windows 96 on it."
• Tech Support: (pause) "Sir, buying a computer is not like buying a car with the different model years."
• Customer: "Oh, I didn't know that."

• Customer: "This may sound strange, but my friend told me that if I emptied my cash box, it would help the Internet go faster. Ever heard of that?"
• Tech Support: "I believe he was referring to the cache files in your AOL folder."
• Customer: "No, he specifically said cash box. And I think it's the one in my Quicken software. How do I empty that? And what happens to my cash balance?"

• Tech Support: "We should use FTP to transfer this picture."
• Customer: "No, we do not accept FTP, we can only use JPG."

• Customer: "Backsplash. Backsplash?"
• Tech Support: "Backslash."
• Customer: "C colon backspl...backslash."

• My Boss: "Well, I think this Windows 95 thing is gonna be a big blackslash for Microsoft."

• Customer: "...and then when I push the smash button it does..."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
• Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I just shut down Windows 95, and it says, 'It is NOT safe for me to turn off my computer.'"
• Tech Support: "Um...are you sure?"
• Customer: (terrified) "Yes!"
• Tech Support: "Sir, read me the screen letter for letter."
• Customer: "Ok. I, t, i, s, n, o, w--"
• Tech Support: "There! It says 'now', not 'not'. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"

The student proceeded to look behind the laptop he was working on, look below it, and then look at me, confused, and asked, "What did it hit?" I had a lady that called up complaining that she couldn't access the Internet. Now keep in mind she had an IBM system with a "Mwave" modem. She said that every time she tried to connect to the Internet, it told her that there was no dial tone. She looked up the error message in her help documentation, and it told her to make sure her phone line was connected.

• Customer: "I can see that I put one end in my computer, but where does the other end of the phone line go? My microwave doesn't have a connection that fits this plug."

• Customer: "I turned on my computer, and it just sits there. What do I do?"
• Tech Support: "Is the computer plugged in?"
• Customer: "Yes, of course."

Through the course of our conversation, I discovered she was calling the monitor the computer and the computer the disk drive. So I clarified.

• Tech Support: "Is the little gray tower with the slots in it plugged in?"
• Customer: "No, but it doesn't need to be."

I helped her get the system working, but she returned it anyway. She said, quote, "I couldn't get no hard drives programmed into the CPU." The return was accepted without hesitation.

• Customer: "I'm having trouble inserting my ethernet card into my hard drive."

• Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."

"Need to install CD chip into hard disk drive to expand memory to accept CD programs."

• Me: "A card game? You mean, like poker?"
• Customer: "No, no. I just bought a steering wheel. I need a card game."
• Me: "You mean a 'car game,' like Nascar? So that you can use the steering wheel to drive?"

The customer looked at me like I was a complete idiot.

• Customer: "No. I have a Compaq computer. We tried to plug the steering wheel in, but it didn't work so we need a card game."

I was trying to figure out how a card game was going to help them out. Instead of getting a racing game, at least a card game would work. But it wouldn't be very easy to play a card game with a steering wheel.

Then I figured it out.

• Me: "You mean you need a 'game card,' to plug in your steering wheel?"
• Customer: "Oh, yeah. Maybe that's what it's called."
• Me: "They're in aisle 10 with the steering wheels."

• Customer: "My computer won't start up."
• Tech Support: "Is the power light on?"
• Customer: "Yes."
• Tech Support: "Is anything on the monitor?"
• Customer: "Yes, it says to press F2 for setup, or I can press F1 and fill out a resume."

"Ok, you want a Pentium," I replied, hoping he would note the subtle correction. But he didn't. Several times during our chat, he continued to say "Pentennium."

After we were finished talking, he thanked me and started to walk away -- but then turned and came back to the window. "Hey, about that Pentennium," he said. "Is that a 386 or a 486?" A couple years ago, I tried to get in on field testing of cable modem service in the Chicago area. I was calling to order cable TV anyway, so after setting up my cable TV account, I asked the guy if the field tests for cable modems were available in my area.

• Cable Guy: "Cadle Mobem?"
• Me: "Cable Modem."
• Cable Guy: "We don't have that."

• Cable Guy: "Did you say Cadle Mobem?"
• Me: "Cable. Modem."
• Cable Guy: "Hold on."

Five more minutes on hold.

• Cable Guy: "Is that like email?"
• Me: "Yeah. Kinda like email."
• Cable Guy: "We don't have that."

I gave up and found through other sources that, indeed, it was not available in my area. Now that I have one, though, I can't help but call it a "Cadle Mobem." We had a guy in our office decide to become an advocate of client-server computing. "We shouldn't be using the file server for accessing shared information. What we should be using is a client server."